Honoring Grief

Grief is a process not an event. The trick is to honor where I am in my grief. My grieving began with Glen’s diagnosis of lung cancer. I distanced myself from his experience of dying. This distancing begins with Glen’s first chemotherapy treatment. On April 26, 2008 I write:

I sit in the support person chair with my beading box on my lap...I weave a pattern - alternating yellow and orange dangles with green, orange, and yellow...I focus on my task...

After Glen died, I avoid feeling the pain of his loss by doing - anything to avoid feeling the pain. On May 19, 2009 I wrote:

I mostly kept busy - three loads of laundry, grocery shopping, a trip to the nursery to buy plants for the garden...I felt that I just had to keep moving, the same kind of nervous energy I had right after Glen died.

The pain keeps crashing down on me. I can not avoid the pain so I try to control it. I do this by choosing when I feel the pain. On November 13, 2009 I wrote:

Listening to the CDs that we both listened to through the years does help me have a “good cry” and to feel the loss and grief...I know it will be a very long time before I can move beyond my sadness and grief. But this is a place to start.

I now feel the pain when I write about my grief. I am prepared to feel the pain. I try to move into living. It is hard for me. I move forward with a life, then I am consumed by my grief. It is not an easy journey - this grieving process. I honor where my grief leads me.