Glen's Books...

This week I've been very weepy! My emotions are just waiting to jump out of me. Read "Zen in the Art of Writing" by Ray Bradbury, one of Glen's favorite sci-fi writers. Another way of knowing Glen - through the stories he loved. I'm preparing to go through the boxes filled with Glen's sci-fi books. Letting go of more of my life with Glen so I can move forward in creating my own life. I feel excited and sad at the same time. Very confusing. Hard to know how much of the "our life" to let go of in order to fully embrace my new life path.

Another anniversary

I've been feeling sad for several weeks and just couldn't figure out why. And then I realized the anniversary of the death of Glen's mother, Barbara was coming up. Earlier this week I called his sister and later that evening received a call from my niece. So I talked with them and felt their sadness. Today, marks the one year anniversary of her death, and I realize her death symbolizes the death of Glen for me. When Barbara died, she took all the memories of his childhood with her. So a big part of his life is gone, unknowable to me. Yet another piece of my grieving - the lost chance to hear stories from his childhood.

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A Circular Staircase

Reading a book - Grieving: A Beginner's Guide and came across a wonderful concept. Grief as a circular staircase, not a series of "stages" but a spiral in which we circle around, passing through anniversaries, events, year after year, but with increasing insight as time passes. The idea comes from a poem - "The Five Stages of Grief" by Linda Pastan who writes upon reaching the "final" stage of grieving - "Acceptance. I finally reach it. But something is wrong. Grief is a circular staircase. I have lost you." It reminds me that my grief changes with each passing cycle, through each relived moment of my loss, how much I have learned.

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Sad time rolls around

October - soon it will be the first anniversary of Barbara's death. Today I read my niece's Facebook post about missing her Nana. Barbara was the cement that held her family together. Without the mortar of Barbara's love, the family seems to be adrift. Everyone struggles to get through the day, each day, and sometimes we fall apart without knowing why. As our pain lessens we move on with our lives. We try to celebrate the good times - marriage, birthdays, time spent together - but struggle to keep living our separate lives. We miss her so much, sometimes we just fall apart.

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Letting go again...

This week I tackled cleaning out the closet in the spare room. This was my third attempt at completing this chore. I cried looking through all the paperwork stored on the top shelves - paperwork from the two business Glen started when we moved to Oregon. It felt like I was throwing away his life - so sad. It took me 5 1/2 hours to complete, four trips to the recycle bin, and two hours shredding the paperwork with identifying information. In the end, I felt satisfied because what I don't want to happen is when I die, for someone else to face the task of sorting through the mess of a lifetime. It has taken me 2 1/2 years to find the courage to face this task.

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