Visit to Mom

This week I will travel to visit my 90 year old mother. Her health is declining and this may be our final visit. Another wave of crazy grief to confront. The worst thing for me is the distance between Mom and myself. Not just physical distance but emotional distance. I love her dearly but we are very different people. Sorting out my feelings at this time is difficult. So much to think about as I travel "home."

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More Crazy Grief

Last year I received an unsigned birthday card from my sister. The note inside says, “You sent me this card last year on my birthday and didn’t sign it...” What? I didn’t sign the card? This is not at all like me. I’d sent the card two months after Glen died. When I received the unsigned card with the note, something clicked in my head. This was the action of a person with impaired cognitive ability, a crazy person. And I began thinking about Crazy Grief. Am I crazy two years later? I don’t think I am, but then what do I know? I sent the unsigned card off to my sister for her birthday again this year. It validates my Crazy Grief time.

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2 steps forward, 1 back...

Creating a life worth living is hard. I move forward, writing, beading, gardening, living. Then suddenly, I’m stuck, can’t seem to find a reason to move. Self motivation is a problem. I sit, think, weep. I want to understand what deflates my desire to move. Maybe it’s the date - Saturday, May 14, 2011 - two years and two months since Glen died. Now I write, write, write...

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Photo

This week I found a photo of Glen and Brenda (his sister). It was taken in May 2008 when Glen underwent chemotherapy. I had not been able to put up any photos taken of Glen during his final year. I would feel so much sadness when I looked at these photos. The image I came across this week made me smile. Glen and Brenda, smiling at me. I don't see death in this photo, but hope shining from their faces. I framed the photo and put it on the mantle where I can see his smiling face even as he faced the end.

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