Remembering

Today another wave of grief hit me. It was unexpected - grief and loss triggered below my conscious awareness. January 2008 is the month Glen was diagnosed with cancer. An x-ray uncovered a small spot on his left lung and by the end on January, the diagnosis of cancer was confirmed. Chemotherapy, treatment of last resort. I wrote:

So it has begun...After months of testing confirmed the location and size of the tumor, radiation and surgery ruled out...the only medical avenue left was chemotherapy.

January 2009 brought news the cancer had metastasized into his spine. Radiation treatment followed. I wrote:

Seven (radiation) treatments and increased pain medication, the pain has not diminished. I now assist Glen in all of his daily needs...home care assistance is the next thing I will investigate...I realize I cannot do all this by myself.

January 2010 marked Glen's first birthday since his death. It would have marked his 63rd birthday. Instead it marked another “first” event since Glen’s death. I wrote:

It disturbs me that I cannot remember his final birthday. I have no memory of that day...I have looked for a card I might have given him, but cannot seem to locate one...I wish I could cry but the physical pain that comes with grief is very intense right now and I can’t seem to let go of my tears...

Today, January 2011, is one of those days - I just can’t seem to let go of my tears. So I write in my blog to remember.