Lost moments...

The holidays are fast approaching and sadness fills my heart. This is the third holiday season since Glen died. I still feel the emptiness that comes with loss, but don't feel compelled to fill the hole in my heart with busy - doing, doing, doing. I received a card from Glen's friend Larry and tears filled my eyes as I realized I'd not told him Glen had died. So I will write a note and send it off this week. Larry has retied and moved to upstate New York. Although I am glad Larry and his wife have retired together, it pricked my heart because this was lost to me when Glen died - no growing old together for us. Retirement is not the same without someone to share it with.

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Mom Dream...

I am off to see my 91 year-old mother on Monday. I haven't seen her in six months and know her dementia has gotten worse as well as her physical health. I am going home to say good-bye, not for Mom but for myself. Last night I had a dream about Mom. She and I were sitting somewhere together. I was looking at her face - which was years younger than she is now. And she had on bright red lipstick. She wanted me to give her a kiss. I told her I wouldn't kiss her until she wiped off her lipstick. I've thought about the dream all day trying to make sense of it. I don't know for sure, but I think I wanted her to wipe off her lipstick because it represented a mask, as if she were hiding her age, her frailty, her closeness to death. And I wanted to kiss my real Mom good-bye.

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