Difficult Writing...

I now face the task of putting together the materials for Dubious Grief. The most difficult task is simply reading my journal entries and deciding where to insert the story of Glen and my life together. This backstory is important and reading the journal entries will hopefully stimulate recollections about our life together. But it is still very difficult for me to read my words written as Glen dies and my days of deep sorrow following his death.

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9-11 fallout

Last weekend was the 10th anniversary of the 9-11 attack. As the day approached, the news media projected image, after image of the tragedy. Although I did not know anyone personally who died in the towers, the images triggered wave after wave of grief for me. I purposely have avoided these images for 10 years - and was unprepared for the waves of grief. I couldn't write - the pain was too much. I decided to write about happy times with Glen. Writing about these happy years helped lift my spirit.

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Unacknowledged grief

When my husband was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, the year of the DEATH WATCH was filled with contradictory emotions. Although it was the beginning of my grieving, it was unacknowledged grief. It was a time filled with alternating hope for a cure and increasing realization that the end of his life, our life, was immanent. I struggled, moving between fear of loss and unwavering support in his attempt to find a cure. I think this paralyzed me emotionally, leaving me unable to even talk with him about death. As his death drew ever closer, the pain of impending loss consumed me. How could I grieve when the person I loved struggled to stay alive?

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