I entered my short essay about Glen’s death in a contest. I just wanted to put it out there. Just writing the essay was cathartic! Finding my life through writing is wonderful. Sadness comes and goes, but I suppose that’s always going to be part of being left behind. Visit my new blog and sign up to follow!
http://jeanblanchardwrites.blogspot.com
I’ve noticed I’m simply passing time these days. I have no awareness of purpose; it feels the same as when Glen was dying - one day simply follows another. Time just drags me along. July 2008 I wrote:
I find myself passing time, in every aspect of my life...passing time, day to day, the clock ticking down until what?
My life was controlled by the cycle of chemotherapy and care taking. I needed to take control, not simply drift along in time. I wrote:
I have to figure out what to do for myself. So I took my first walk in over a year...these are my first steps to acknowledging I have a right to a life.
Throughout my grief process I have contemplated time - time left until death came, time since death occurred, time to grieve. So now I am again simply carried along by time. I must figure out a path, one that is self directed, purposeful in my daily activities. Time to be alive!
I notice how hard I am on myself when I look back at the choices I made during Glen’s year long battle with lung cancer. All of the “what ifs...” haunt me. Chemotherapy is one of these choices. April 26, 2008 I wrote:
Success – stopping the growth or better yet, shrinking the tumor, somewhere between 20-35 percent. Not hopeless – a chance for more life together. Glen’s decision is to go ahead with the chemotherapy. I support whatever he wants to do.
I made the choice to support Glen’s decision to undergo chemotherapy. I feared what the anti-cancer drugs would do to his body. Yet I knew the odds for positive results were low. I wrote:
Glen assures me he can handle any and all of the effects if it means he has a chance to stop the cancer. The oncologist assures us there are drugs to minimize the effects of the chemotherapy – to deal with the nausea and the diarrhea, help with the fatigue – and Glen says he doesn’t care about the effects, he can deal with them.
I hated chemotherapy, but I supported Glen’s decision even when I believed it would diminish the quality of his life. It is hard to forgive myself for not advocating sooner for holistic therapies.
