Denial

Three years ago, in late January 2008, Glen was diagnosed with lung cancer. Not an unexpected diagnosis - he was a smoker for most of his adult life; he'd had asthma since childhood, bronchitis infections throughout his adult life, and the diagnosis of COPD in later life. On February 26, 2008 I wrote the first entry in my journal:

With the diagnosis of lung cancer, you have the opportunity to know that the end (of life) is approaching. The trick is not to live in denial - but to face it full on.

Throughout 2008 I tried to do this, to live our life together full on, not letting denial that death was in the cards, cloud our experience. Glen elected to undergo chemotherapy treatments. On April 26, 2008 I wrote:

The only treatment available is chemotherapy. Success - stopping the growth or better yet, shrinking the tumor - somewhere between 20-35 percent. Not hopeless - a chance for more life together...I support whatever he wants to do.

The negative effects from the chemotherapy were immediate. The day of the treatment, Glen felt very tired. The next day he suffered flu like symptoms which lasted several days. On April 30, 2008 I wrote:

A lot has happened since (the first chemotherapy treatment) both with him physically and with me...the physical effects seem to last for 4-5 days...I had a panic attack on Sunday.

The next week Glen’s hair fell out. On May 7, 2008 I wrote:

Today Glen’s hair started falling out...he started brushing his long locks and hugh clumps began coming out in the brush...he was freaking out.

When I got home, he asked me to brush his hair; huge clumps continued to come out. We decided to use the clippers and buzz cut the rest off. I ended the journal entry with:

Losing your hair is preferable to losing your life.

So much for not living in denial. On March 14, 2009, less than a year after starting chemotherapy, Glen died and I was left to find a way to live my life without him.