Marking Time

Early in my process of facing the end of Glen’s life involved dealing with the idea of marking time. On January 22, 2009, I wrote:

Time - passing, life passing or time until, countdown to something in the future. So many ways to mark time - seasons come and go, cycles of life; phases of the moon, ebbing and flowing; calendar time, days in a month, a year; clocks ticking off minutes, hours... time left to live, time until the end - not knowing how to mark time.

This was written approximately a year after Glen’s diagnosis and less than two months before he would be dead. After Glen died, there was a shift in how I marked time; on April 9, 2009 I wrote:

Time for me now begins with Glen’s death - how many days, weeks, etc. since he has been gone...now I think about what was occurring on this date a month ago...on March 9 Elaine left to go home telling Glen she would see him in the stars. It would be 5 days before Glen would be dead.

During the first year following Glen’s death, I marked time in terms of “First Events” - as I moved through the world without Glen. On May 19, 2009 I wrote:

Last week was a hard one. Wednesday May 14 marked two months since Glen’s death...and on Sunday May 17 was my birth day...very difficult, this first birth day without him.

Other days marking time during that first year were July 16, our wedding anniversary, the Holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years; and his birthday - January 5. Each month on the 14th, I marked another month since his death. I also thought about what had occurred the previous year during these times. On October 11, 2009 I wrote:

I think about this time last year when Glen’s pain began to take control over his life, the pain relief drugs clouded his mind. This was the beginning of the long, dark decline into the final days of our life together.

During the following months I was preoccupied with thoughts about how Glen suffered during the final months of his life. It was a time when I felt tremendous guilt about his pain. On January 24, 2010 I wrote:

This is a difficult time for me as I remember how much he suffered and how little I was able to help him...I could not imagine that a year later I would feel the pain of losing him do deeply.

One year following Glen’s death began another way of marking time; I was able to begin to imagine a time when I would not carry the guilt and grief of his death. On March 14, 2010 I wrote:

I am sad, but not filled with the pain of grief that was with me for so long...I will always keep him in my heart - but I will find a way to live without him.

This second year since Glen died I have experienced less pain from my grief. On August 24, 2010 I wrote:

Time marches on - routines develop and replace old patterns...I believe now that a life without my love, Glen, is not only possible but will be fulfilling.

First Events

As the Holiday Season approaches, I have been thinking about all of the first events that we face after our loved one has died. Last year I faced the first Thanksgiving. On November 25, 2009 the day before Thanksgiving, I wrote:

It is rare that you get to know something is “the last time” it will occur. Certainly last year I knew there was the possibility that it would be Glen’s final Thanksgiving - but it was nothing I truly acknowledged...

The next day, November 26, 2009, I wrote:

Thanksgiving - the first one without Glen - a tough day to get through...

I cooked a traditional meal and was mindful of all the various stages of food preparation that I did. Yet there was a lot of empty space throughout the day. I needed to find a way to fill this time. I wrote:

During the time I spent preparing the feast, I played music - this filled the emptiness in the house because Glen was not here...I filled the space with the music we shared...

The music I chose to play had special meaning in terms of our relationship. I was missing Glen’s presence and wanted to remember him. I wrote:

I played the Eric Clapton album with the song...You Look Wonderful Tonight...that played when Glen and I walked down the aisle...I remember that Glen selected this song and it occurs to me that the words and story are how he felt about us - and my heart aches with the loss of our story...

One piece of music I did not play was Arlo Guthrie’s Alice’s Restaurant. Glen and I always listened to this song on Thanksgiving. I think this year I will play it. The second time through these events is less difficult.

Time & Change

It is interesting that I did not write anything in my journal during the month of November 2008 which marked Glen’s last Thanksgiving. Perhaps it was because in my heart I knew it would be Glen’s and my last turkey day. The following year on November 13, 2009 I wrote:

Tomorrow will mark 8-months since Glen’s death. I have been struggling with a sense of hopelessness I assume is part of a state of deep depression. I am trying very hard to figure out how to deal with and overcome it.

During this time I started a list of tasks and activities to fill my time. Ordinary tasks like cleaning out closets and writing. As the holiday approached, I once again needed to do - to just stay busy. I began addressing the issue of the rest of my life. On Thanksgiving day November 26, 2009 I wrote:

During the time I spent preparing the feast, I played music...there are still songs that are too meaningful in terms of our relationship over the years that I do cry when I listen and sing along...I continue playing and listening to the music, remembering our life together and wondering what the future will bring. Whatever happens, I will “live it all through...”

Now, twenty months after Glen’s death, I still feel the need to stay busy. My son and I have a major project - we are remodeling our bathroom. We have chosen blue and green colors - Glen’s favorite colors - and this will keep us doing, as the holiday nears. I still have days when my heart is breaking, but I no longer feel helpless or hopeless about the future. I know that I have chosen to live.