Cycles

I am struck by the cycle of life reflected in seasonal changes and how this mirrors my life. This week marked the winter solstice when following the longest night, light begins to return. Increasing days of darkness transform into increasing days of light, providing hope as we move toward another cycle in our life. On December 17, 2008 I wrote:

I feel such sadness that Glen’s life is the way it is...so I go on with my life, doing what I need to do for myself to stay healthy, physically and mentally and spiritually

I knew that Glen’s life was ending and I struggled with the knowledge I would live. A year later, on December 19, 2009, as the reality of trying to live and the connection with the cycle of seasonal change approached, I wrote:

Creating a life without the love of my life is a difficult process - but something that I need to do if I am to find some fulfillment in living.

This year I continue to struggle with creating a way to live. The deep pain from grief ebbs but is never quite absent. Uncertainty remains ever present. I think about the lines from a poem my sister sent to me and I am hopeful:

The Thing Is - by Ellen Bass

http://www.elabs7.com/c.html?rtr=on&s=fj6,nhgr,dv,1lic,mb9j,9qya,zur

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

I must believe that as the seasonal cycle changes, and moves toward increasing light, I too, will hold life like a face and again embrace life.