Guilt

I think about all of the emotions I experience as I grieve. Some emotions move us out of a stuck place, others keep us stuck. Guilt keeps me stuck. Last year as the first anniversary of Glen’s death approached I was unable to get unstuck. On January 24, 2010 I wrote:

My heart aches when I think about how much he suffered. He spent a lot of his day alone with just the television to erase the silence of an empty house.

I felt guilty about leaving him alone. This guilt continued as I tried to find a way to move out of my grief. On February 7, 2010 I wrote:

At one point I told Glen I needed a little space, and I would sit in my chair in a corner of the living room behind him...He would forget...and interrupt me. I now realize it was because he was alone, in his own space so much of the time that he couldn’t bear to be alone when I was home...

I felt guilty about my inability to recognize his need for me to be present as the debilitating pain Glen endured after the cancer metastasized into his spine keeping him isolated. On May 14, 2010 I wrote:

I struggle with feelings of guilt about my failure to recognize how much Glen’s physical pain shaped his behavior - instead I blamed him for not making changes in his life that he could not possibly have made...

Today as life propels me toward the second anniversary of Glen’s death, guilt still keeps me stuck in my grief - even as I try to move forward.