It is interesting that I did not write anything in my journal during the month of November 2008 which marked Glen’s last Thanksgiving. Perhaps it was because in my heart I knew it would be Glen’s and my last turkey day. The following year on November 13, 2009 I wrote:
Tomorrow will mark 8-months since Glen’s death. I have been struggling with a sense of hopelessness I assume is part of a state of deep depression. I am trying very hard to figure out how to deal with and overcome it.
During this time I started a list of tasks and activities to fill my time. Ordinary tasks like cleaning out closets and writing. As the holiday approached, I once again needed to do - to just stay busy. I began addressing the issue of the rest of my life. On Thanksgiving day November 26, 2009 I wrote:
During the time I spent preparing the feast, I played music...there are still songs that are too meaningful in terms of our relationship over the years that I do cry when I listen and sing along...I continue playing and listening to the music, remembering our life together and wondering what the future will bring. Whatever happens, I will “live it all through...”
Now, twenty months after Glen’s death, I still feel the need to stay busy. My son and I have a major project - we are remodeling our bathroom. We have chosen blue and green colors - Glen’s favorite colors - and this will keep us doing, as the holiday nears. I still have days when my heart is breaking, but I no longer feel helpless or hopeless about the future. I know that I have chosen to live.
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